Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.