@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

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@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

@GrantTanaka

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

@idkrethink

Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow

@BillMc7

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@TheAlexNevil

Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!