Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…