Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.