@momthoughts13

Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

@robfee

Fox News: Trump looks strong!
CNN: Hillary should get the win!
MSNBC: If you put a buncha hot dogs in a hamburger bun, is that a sandwich???

@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@JoParkerBear

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

@squirrel74wkgn

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

@thebeckyard

I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.

@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@Neauxpe

A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.