Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.

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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden


“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack


Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”


I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.


Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)


I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.


[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”


(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)



ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir


I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.