@momthoughts13

Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.

You Might Also Like

@MarkAgee

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@MarfSalvador

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

@notviking

me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400

pawn shop owner: i can do $250

me: [cocking gun] how about now

pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400

@DemetriusHarmon

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

@copymama

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

@michelleDbelle

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

@AnitaHelmet

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:10:”tracy_marq”;s:5:”image”;s:59:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1959113727/cb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:17:”82926390600663040″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”281″;s:5:”tweet”;s:78:”If my dad were alive today he would say, “Tracy stop telling people I’m dead”.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.