My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The Others (2001)
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]