Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?