Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Best spoiler warning ever
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”