Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

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What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs


Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.


All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.


me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably


The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.


*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
“nice try”


It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.