@Tw1tter_K1tten

Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

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@_gothique

What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs

@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@adamlucidi

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.

@LlamaInaTux

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

@Epygma

*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
“nice try”

@RobDenBleyker

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.