What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.
All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I want to hold you till the end of time, or until I have to pee.