@Tw1tter_K1tten

Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

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@Ctrapmrspash

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

@sageboggs

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.

@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@Inferno_V

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out