“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
2. All the other idiots
Me (fall to my knees, crying): Please…not again
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out