Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Oops
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’