not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.