not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m good, thanks.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Okay me first
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.