When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
You Might Also Like
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”
“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
me: one screwdriver please
bartender: sorry i can’t
me: what do you mean
bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole