[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

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When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve


[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard


To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.


GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking


“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”


I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.


New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much


I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.


me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars


* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole