[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Welcome to the stomach
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.