Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.