“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work