The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
You Might Also Like
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Meow
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years