Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*