Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Ion see the issue
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?