Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.