Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

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If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.


Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is


[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.


Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.


What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.


excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”


fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom


Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair


I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.


Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.


Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.