“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid