@davidschneider

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

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@better_off_dad

If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

@JPLFR80

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

@murrman5

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

@nash_official

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

@Ideal_Victoria

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

@SeanINCypress

I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

@anjeanettec

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.