Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Match dot com, but for socks.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What鈥檚 your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
It鈥檚 like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it鈥檚 Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I鈥檓 Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Hi you鈥檝e reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I鈥檓 sorry 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
literally writing this tweet because my dad鈥檚 gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn鈥檛 take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Just finished cleaning and can鈥檛 find the kids.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.