When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
This checks out
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!