Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
screw you
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
a public service announcement
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.