not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I hate everything
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.