not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed