Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

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What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that


Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.


Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories


My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.


My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.


No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.


Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.


[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?