@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

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@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@Kryzazy

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

@DearAuntAbby

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

@mofrorock

Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD

@UncleDuke1969

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

@meghaffer

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

@wendchymes

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes