@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

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@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

@MomofTeen

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.

@NateMorrising

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@kingstonwrites

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

@TheSadnesses

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

@pilau

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.