Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything