We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.