@o__0Dev

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

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@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@realHamOnWry

It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.

@Book_Krazy

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

@FunnyCauseImFat

At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.

@thenatewolf

Ah, yes, Halloween. The perfect night for me, a man who gets spooked when the commercials are louder than the show. Fantastic.