Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.