Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.
Ah, yes, Halloween. The perfect night for me, a man who gets spooked when the commercials are louder than the show. Fantastic.