Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..