Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.


If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elemenopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.


Is my iPhone named Freedom?


Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring


I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.


emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.


Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?


My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.