Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.

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[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*


I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.


Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog


No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.


[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese


He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.


Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor


I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.