@Whateverfitsme

Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.

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@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*

@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@marcodas146

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

@usermcuserface

No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.

@InternetHippo

[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese

@ValeeGrrl

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@CrissieC

I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.