@Whateverfitsme

Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?

@Tuna_Lover

I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.

@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

@chuuew

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

@IamEveryDayPpl

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

@BillMc7

*goes on Facebook AGAIN*
*reads 100,000th idiotic post*
*thinks other people are stupid*