Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.

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What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?


I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.


You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”


DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here


wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time


my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend


Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…


*goes on Facebook AGAIN*
*reads 100,000th idiotic post*
*thinks other people are stupid*