Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
it be like that
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.