Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You Might Also Like
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
😎 🍻
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”