If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
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Her: I have to urinate
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
By age 35 you should be at least 35 years old
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*
Me: *drinks alcohol*
Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?
8: Do you have cheese?
8: Do you have ham?
8: Do you have bread and mayo?
8: I want spaghetti