Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.


[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.


Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.


hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.


At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.


I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.


Me: *doesn’t drink soda because it’s unhealthy*

Me: *drinks alcohol*


Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?

8: Do you have cheese?

Me: yes

8: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

8: Do you have bread and mayo?


8: I want spaghetti