My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
me opening up to someone
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Seems kinda suspicious
I feel it
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*