@_youhadonejob1

Not sure that’s the movie I want to see.

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@clichedout

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

@POTerritory

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

@Momtoteens

I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.

@Cheeseboy22

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

@Sarcasticsapien

On Halloween I’m going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we’re going through with this election.