Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.