Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
You Might Also Like
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
just witnessed a drug deal
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys