@NotthatAdamWest

Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered

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@rachelaxler

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

@sonictyrant

therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it’s updoc
therapist: ehhhh what’s updoc?
me: IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN

@Jandalize

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

@jimmytorosian

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

@jonnysun

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

@LeafsCommunity

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

@AbbieEvansXO

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT