Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
You Might Also Like
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*