Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
LOOOOOOL
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
それは草
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.