Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.