@squirrel74wkgn

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

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@daemonic3

daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao

@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@_ElvishPresley_

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

@joshuadun

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@JohnLyonTweets

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

@kumailn

He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.