daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2
me: frozen to what lol
daughter: dad i’m serious!
me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about
daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.