Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*skinny dips into black hole
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.