@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

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@irreligiousorg

You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@iwearaonesie

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

@CanadianCyn

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.

If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@natedog2049

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.