Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist