You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.
If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
ME: yeah right
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.