Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.