Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
get you a girl who
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
We decided to have money instead of children.