Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.