I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”