I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
pelicons
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry