Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Need WebMD
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
A great tip. #CakeRex
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.