Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

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Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.


I know everyone is focused on Valentine’s Day but can I get a moment of silence for all the pubic hair being sacrificed on the 13th.


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.


Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday


[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?


my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience


(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.