@Gupton68

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

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@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@liv_thatsme

“Don’t you wish you had children?”

Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?

@_xLNc

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

@MrsTomServo

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@absolutemeh

A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents.

Mostly because they’re usually too high to find their cars.