Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.