“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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“Don’t you wish you had children?”
Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents.
Mostly because they’re usually too high to find their cars.