@TheBoydP

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

- @TheBoydP

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@DanMentos

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

@just1fool

Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed

@RxitWounds

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

@briangaar

Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party’s only healer 🙁

@JasonBerlin

1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.