Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.