Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Denise please return my vape pen
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion