Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”
I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.