Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

You Might Also Like


Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.


my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope


[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.


Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.


Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”


I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.


Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.


Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales


My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.