Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.


Me: OMG I’m so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I’m on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.


Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*


[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*


me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”


Coworker: Did you spank your sons?

Me: Not a lot

Coworker: What about your wife?

Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time

Coworker: …


My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back


Black guy just told me “Stay up playa” but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.


[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.