@dmc1138

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

You Might Also Like

@polksalad

Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

@ThisOneSayz

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

@Pro_Jones_

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

@mydanimarie

Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”

@ShellHasDragons

I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.

@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

@Swan_Corleone2

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.