I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
You Might Also Like
Me: OMG I’m so tired.
Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.
Me: I’m on it.
A: And Cheetos.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Coworker: Did you spank your sons?
Me: Not a lot
Coworker: What about your wife?
Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Black guy just told me “Stay up playa” but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.
“What would you say is your greatest strength?
I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.